Why You Cant Get Over Your Ex

Why You Can’t Get Over Your Ex

After a long relationship ends, we may sometimes feel an overwhelming force to better ourselves. Whether it be to go back to school, take up a hobby or get the body of our dreams. It doesn’t really matter if you were the dumper or dumpee, the drive is very similar.

We like to think that we are doing it for ourselves. But are we?

The last thing you want to admit is that you’re becoming a better person due to your ex. It may not seem too bad since after all, it’s benefiting you. But it’s important to identify if you’re only doing things with your ex on your mind, because if that’s so…you will never be able to completely heal and find true happiness with your accomplishments.

You may be in a new relationship and so happy…but having your ex’s approval or having them feel jealous is still lingering in the back of your mind. Or your old relationship is slowly ruining your chances in your new or future relationships.

Here are a couple ways to show you if you’re doing things because of your ex and how to stop it!

You’re sizing up their new lover

It’s completely normal to wonder if your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend looks better than you. It’s a natural reaction.

It becomes a problem when you are constantly comparing yourself to their new lover and trying to be better than them. Or constantly wondering what they have that you don’t. Or why they are so much happier with this new person than when they were with you.

It doesn’t matter if you broke up with them or they broke up with you, the outcome of the relationship is still that you are no longer together.

It’s good to identify some of your shortfalls that you could have improved on while you were in the relationship…but if it has to do with your appearance, how much money you made or social status…that honestly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how shallow your ex was.

If your ex found petty reasons to break up or divorce you, they didn’t truly love you.

True love will make you stand by someone regardless of those things.

When you see your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend, try not think, what do they have that I don’t. Think of, what do I have that they don’t? Why am I too good for my ex? Why do I deserve better than that?

You’re comparing your new relationship to your old

Why You Cant Get Over Your Ex

When you have been with someone for years, things become habitual, from the way they kiss, the way their body feels, how they do the dishes to how your needs are met. They can bring good memories or bad ones. Either way, it’s so hard not to compare every detail of your new relationship with your old.

Obviously, the positive changes in your new relationship are a plus…but sometimes can be drown out with your old relationship problems.

That may sound confusing, but listen up.

If you are coming from a very emotionally abusive relationship, or you didn’t trust your ex at all…it is SO HARD to break the way you react to certain things. Like you immediately think the worst of everything your new boyfriend/girlfriend says and use it as a way to bring yourself down. Or your new love gets a text at midnight and your natural reaction is that something fishy is going on. Or even worse, you have a very hard time being comfortable with them going to school or working around attractive people.

It’s not fair to your new relationship. If your new partner has never given you a reason to doubt them or distrust them, you HAVE to loosen up and give them a chance. If you don’t, you will RUIN a potentially amazing relationship. Even if that person is your soul mate, it’s really difficult to be with someone that has so much baggage from their previous relationship that they don’t even stand a chance. Why would anyone want to suffer for someone else’s mistakes?

It takes an extremely patient and loving partner to stand by you through that. Try to make things a little easier on the both of you and sit back, slow down and really consider if you are being fair or being ridiculous.

Before you can truly move on from your old relationship, you MUST realize your own worth and what you have to offer.

If you want to improve yourself, make sure it’s for YOU first.

Once you can find confidence and value from within, your previous relationship will become a learning lesson and stepping stone to finding real love and happiness in your new relationships…because you will learn not to settle for anything less than you deserve.

Why You Cant Get Over Your Ex

14 thoughts on “Why You Can’t Get Over Your Ex

  1. AHHH I remember those old old old times (dang now I feel old) Before I married my husband there was that “GRR” relationship that always had me second guessing myself and until I REALLY said WAIT this is suppose to be my present not what could have been or what should have been it’s about me int present time was I able to regain my own self ALONE love. Which once I did a few mths later I meant my husband to be…and it’s been just about 15 yrs so yeah I think it was a smart thing to do Ha 🙂

  2. You are so right! As someone who survived a very abusive 7 year relationship, I can’t help but let anxiety get the best of me now, especially when things get tough, in my new marriage. My husband is the exact opposite of my ex, but when you’re conditioned to certain things, you can’t help but react the same way (or even expect certain reactions).

    1. EXACTLY!!! It takes a really patient guy to come around and help heal you! I bet your husband is a very good listener 🙂

      I guess if we sit back and put things into perspective and ask ourselves…has he ever given me a reason to not trust him or to think he’s doing something maliciously?… maybe we will save ourselves from overreacting. <3

      So happy for you Jasmine 🙂

    1. You’re welcome Tazim! Wow 12 years is a long time! It’s so hard to break old habits or react differently! Just takes time and trust I guess…and hopefully the right man in the future 🙂

  3. What a great post! I know it was really hard for me to step out of my first long relationship and into another one, but once I stopped comparing, it became so much easier to fall in love again. Even when I studied abroad and fell hard for this guy there, it was so difficult to step away from that. But once I did, I saw all the positives in my new relationship.

    Kirsten – http://www.thewanderingbrunette.com/

    1. Exactly!! I think it comes a lot with age and just seeing things from a new perspective..a mature and open minded one. Life is so much easier that way!!! ❤ Congrats on your relationship!

  4. I’m not sure I agree. My husband of 10 years left me for another woman while I was 7 months pregnant with our third child. I’m a part of a religion that doesn’t permit relationships after divorce. One marriage for life. My kids now have a wh*re for a step mother. I get to be alone and poor for the rest of my life. I have no desire to better myself. I can barely stand. My husband hit me when he knew I was weak. We had talked about me no longer working. Now that’s impossible. We had talked about more kids. He has now robbed me of that. I can now longer make plans for things like Disneyland as I can’t afford it. He has never been an involved father but wants 50/50. I’ve spent my life savings on legal fees. His new woman wants an instafamily and now she gets it. I admire your positive perspective. But it looks like you chose to leave your marriage. It is VERY different for the dumpee especially when they’re just dropped like an old rag, have no hope for the future and now lose my kids half the time who I have entirely raised. I’m replaced by a woman with no integrity and she intends to be their mother. Everyone says that a mother is irreplaceable. I’ve seen first hand that this isn’t true.

    1. Sally, are you in my FB group called the Co-Parenting Clan? I think we could really help you gain a more positive perspective on your situation and assist you in ways to improve your life. I replied to your comment and this response is a similar…YOU are the only person that can determine your happiness. If all you feel is cheated, betrayed, worthless, replaced…you’re not leaving any room to foster any positive thoughts. It’s impossible to climb out of the hole you are in if you don’t take control of your life. And taking control doesn’t mean getting back with your ex and kicking that step mom out of their life. You have to accept that your life is not going as planned. You now must find a way to take what you have and make something out of it. What can you change?

      That he left you high and dry? No.
      That he is with a new woman? No.
      That the step mother is a horrible person? No.
      That he “stole” 10 years of your life? No.

      What CAN you control?
      Your perspective, attitude and reactions.

      Instead of thinking how he robbed you of 10 years, think of how lucky you are to not have to waste your life with someone that doesn’t want to be with you. You get the rest of your life to do what you want, when you want, how you want.

      So you cannot marry again due to religion…okay. You don’t need a man to be your sole contributor of your happiness. YOU determine that. YOU give yourself worth. A man doesn’t give you your worth. You have to understand that you’re much more special, smart, beautiful, capable and talented than you think. You have so much potential to do great things…you just have to believe it.

      You are not giving your children much room to love you when you don’t even love yourself. This is why you feel such a struggle between you and the step mom. Like she’s replacing you. You have more control over your life than you think Sally. You just have to grab those reins and take charge.

  5. Thanks for your comment/reply Malissa. I’ll look up the group you suggested.

    I should expand on one of my initial statements. I’m not permitted to be in other relationships, let alone marriage. While I may not need a man to make me happy it sure helps. And this woman has literally removed my ONLY chance for a meaningful relationship and companionship. I am now to be alone forever.

    For my husband to select this woman over me suggests that I am not special, smart, beautiful, capable etc. I don’t see great things in my future. I hope to survive and provide for my kids. But the only significant contribution I can make now is not dying of exhaustion or stress before my kids hit adulthood.

    I want to control who parents my kids and to keep them away from bad influences… I’m not able to 🙁 She literally replaced me in my family unit. She “loves them like her own” but she has no kids of her own.

    I will check out the group and hopefully will find/create the positivity you suggest. I would always choose to be with my husband as opposed to alone forever. Even if he treated me badly or didn’t want me. That would be SO much better than this.

  6. This is a great read. My confusing, story is that I have a 6 year old son with my Ex-Fiance(ended 2 yrs ago) Now I am pregnant by another man but he and I ended a few months ago as I was just not happy and very depressed. I knew I was comparing every aspect of our relationship to my Exs. My Ex-fiance and I have even talked about working things out but we both have no trust in each other and it now makes me see how I never had any “problems” or stress with my last relationship.
    Yet, I still feel like I am in love with him and wish we could work it out.
    I wish I could stop feeling this way as I know we are not good together.

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