After a long relationship ends, we may sometimes feel an overwhelming force to better ourselves. Whether it be to go back to school, take up a hobby or get the body of our dreams. It doesn’t really matter if you were the dumper or dumpee, the drive is very similar.
We like to think that we are doing it for ourselves. But are we?
The last thing you want to admit is that you’re becoming a better person due to your ex. It may not seem too bad since after all, it’s benefiting you. But it’s important to identify if you’re only doing things with your ex on your mind, because if that’s so…you will never be able to completely heal and find true happiness with your accomplishments.
You may be in a new relationship and so happy…but having your ex’s approval or having them feel jealous is still lingering in the back of your mind. Or your old relationship is slowly ruining your chances in your new or future relationships.
Here are a couple ways to show you if you’re doing things because of your ex and how to stop it!
You’re sizing up their new lover
It’s completely normal to wonder if your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend looks better than you. It’s a natural reaction.
It becomes a problem when you are constantly comparing yourself to their new lover and trying to be better than them. Or constantly wondering what they have that you don’t. Or why they are so much happier with this new person than when they were with you.
It doesn’t matter if you broke up with them or they broke up with you, the outcome of the relationship is still that you are no longer together.
It’s good to identify some of your shortfalls that you could have improved on while you were in the relationship…but if it has to do with your appearance, how much money you made or social status…that honestly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how shallow your ex was.
If your ex found petty reasons to break up or divorce you, they didn’t truly love you.
True love will make you stand by someone regardless of those things.
When you see your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend, try not think, what do they have that I don’t. Think of, what do I have that they don’t? Why am I too good for my ex? Why do I deserve better than that?
You’re comparing your new relationship to your old
When you have been with someone for years, things become habitual, from the way they kiss, the way their body feels, how they do the dishes to how your needs are met. They can bring good memories or bad ones. Either way, it’s so hard not to compare every detail of your new relationship with your old.
Obviously, the positive changes in your new relationship are a plus…but sometimes can be drown out with your old relationship problems.
That may sound confusing, but listen up.
If you are coming from a very emotionally abusive relationship, or you didn’t trust your ex at all…it is SO HARD to break the way you react to certain things. Like you immediately think the worst of everything your new boyfriend/girlfriend says and use it as a way to bring yourself down. Or your new love gets a text at midnight and your natural reaction is that something fishy is going on. Or even worse, you have a very hard time being comfortable with them going to school or working around attractive people.
It’s not fair to your new relationship. If your new partner has never given you a reason to doubt them or distrust them, you HAVE to loosen up and give them a chance. If you don’t, you will RUIN a potentially amazing relationship. Even if that person is your soul mate, it’s really difficult to be with someone that has so much baggage from their previous relationship that they don’t even stand a chance. Why would anyone want to suffer for someone else’s mistakes?
It takes an extremely patient and loving partner to stand by you through that. Try to make things a little easier on the both of you and sit back, slow down and really consider if you are being fair or being ridiculous.
Before you can truly move on from your old relationship, you MUST realize your own worth and what you have to offer.
If you want to improve yourself, make sure it’s for YOU first.
Once you can find confidence and value from within, your previous relationship will become a learning lesson and stepping stone to finding real love and happiness in your new relationships…because you will learn not to settle for anything less than you deserve.