In my last post in this Dating after Divorce Series, we talked about weaknesses and how important it is to identify them prior to pursing a new relationship. Now that you’ve taken some time to figure out what type of person you’re weak against and things that you have room to improve on, it’s time to talk about confidence.
The last post may have left you feeling a bit down on yourself. Well this one is going to boost you back up!
When it comes to dating, confidence is key
Lack of confidence can be a complete deal breaker OR it could attract people that will only take advantage of it. It’s okay to feel a little broken, it will take some time to heal. But the things that make you feel bad about yourself shouldn’t outweigh the positive things. Check out Dear My Depressed Self which will give you some pointers on how to pick yourself back up when you’re feeling super low. Everyone goes through it
It’s a tough balance, I know. And it helps if you date a person that has a similar background as you when it comes to heartbreak or relationship struggles and neglect. That way you will heal with each other and build each other back up together. But that’s not always going to be the case.
You may find someone that seems to have it all together and has never really been in a situation like yours. So you can’t rely on them to understand in the very beginning and be able to console you and boost your confidence when you’re doubting yourself.
So YOU’RE going to have to do it and I’m going to help you!
First, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret….
EVERYONE has insecurities. EVERYONE.
I don’t care if they swear up and down that they don’t, I guarantee you they do.
Now that we made that clear, let’s talk about how your ex left you feeling…
Your ex doesn’t define who you are
If your ex outwardly called you names and pointed out all of your flaws, or just made you feel like crap, just know that they were dealing with their own insecurities.
We tell kids this all the time…they are only pointing out your flaws so they can feel better about themselves. Well, same applies to adults.
You may be thinking, some of the things they said are true. Hopefully you already took the time to think about those weaknesses in the previous post. If you acknowledge them as problems now and are willing to change them, you will be able to have a fresh start with someone new in the future.
Then you have the things that your ex pointed out that aren’t necessarily true. But you heard it so many times for so long that you actually started to believe it, such as…
No one else could ever want you
You’re a crazy bitch
Things like that can really crush your confidence and it can take some time to recover from feeling that way for so long. But you have to realize that your ex doesn’t define who you are. They are your ex for a reason…you just weren’t right for each other in some type of way.
Those types of things aren’t said in happy, healthy relationships. Even in the darkest moments, they should never be said. Those are words that you can’t take back. Your partner should’ve realized that you had underlying issues in relation to what was really going on.
For instance, if you were caught looking through their phone and they flipped out and called you a crazy paranoid bitch, they aren’t considering the reason you’re looking in their phone in the first place. Either they gave you a reason not to trust them or you have past experience with someone who betrayed you and you’re trying to protect yourself.
Now I’m not saying that it’s okay to invade someone else’s privacy, I’m just saying…people do some weird things and if your partner really loved you fully, they would take the time to communicate with you about what happened and why it happened in a rational way.
Like I said before, your partner only called you names to make themselves feel better or distract from the real problem. So try not to take it to heart.
You have changed since you were last single
Now that you’re divorced and want to get back out there, you may be thinking back to before you were married as reference to how to act or look to attract someone.
Think back to before you were married. I mean, really think about it. You’re older. You’re more experienced in life. You have more responsibilities. You have more to lose.
You have to cut yourself some slack. Especially if you gained weight or you’re not as carefree as before. That’s perfectly okay! If you go out and try to act like someone you’re not, you’re going to find yourself with someone that’s not attracted to the real you and you’re going to end up wasting tons of time.
It may be super fun in the beginning, but the truth will slowly show through and it will only end with broken hearts.
Life is short and precious.
Don’t waste it trying to live someone else’s life. Be yourself and be confident in yourself, even with your weaknesses that we talked about. It is so much more attractive for a person to be able to identify their flaws/weaknesses yet accept and own them at the same time.[bctt tweet=” Life is short and precious. Don’t waste it trying to live someone else’s life. ” username=”makingmalissa”]
For instance: You have stretch marks from carrying a baby, and you’re terrified of a guy you really like touching them and being grossed out. You have to understand that if a guy is grossed out from that, you shouldn’t want to be with him anyway! That is a part of you. If he doesn’t love every inch of you from the very beginning in the relationship, don’t waste your time.
Same goes for men, if you don’t have that 6-pack anymore like you did in your early 20’s…either own it or change it. Life happens and you’re a person. You just went through a tremendous life change. Give yourself some slack. Besides, a lot of girls wouldn’t want to settle down long term with a guy that obsesses over his body image more than she does. On top of that, we can see right through someone who’s pretending to be someone their not…so be yourself!
So take some time to think about what we just talked about.
You’re an awesome, unique person that deserves to be loved and happy!
Own who you are, especially since my next post is on THE FIRST DATE! I’m going to answer some of the things you are wondering about, like when to tell them you have kids!