Something that terrified me for a long time after divorce was that I couldn’t imagine kissing or being intimate with someone other than my husband. I mean, we were together for 4 years. I grew so used to him. From the way he kissed me, the way he touched me, the way he smelled. How in the world could I get close to another person again?
When you’re with someone for so long, you just get into a routine and comfort zone. You totally forget what it took to get to that point until you find yourself standing in front of your date, the sexual tension is at an all-time high, your heart is beating out of your chest and you’re shaking and terrified to do anything.
It’s scary. I’ve been there.
It’s the most uncomfortable thing EVER.
The good news is, once you break through that built up tension, it gets a whole lot easier.
Whether you are contemplating divorce, just got separated, or have long been divorced, I’m going to let you in on what it’s like to be intimate for the first time post-divorce.
Imagine this…You’re on a date. Everything is going really smoothly. You’re attracted to them, they intrigue you, they make you laugh and you feel a connection. You made it back to your house without any kissing or handholding and you get a text from later saying how awesome the date was.
For the next week, you continue to text and talk for hours on the phone (which you haven’t done in years). You remember and implement everything you learned in How to Communicate 😉 and you share details about your previous marriage. They fully support you and what you’re going through. Everything is going so smooth and you’re so excited to connect with someone that deeply and effortlessly.
Before your second date, the texts start getting a little flirtatious. It’s all fun and playful at first…but you notice that you are starting to get a little bit of feelings for this person…and the nerves set in.
You have a pretty good idea where your next date could end up. I mean, this person makes you completely weak in the knees. You already know you want to pursue something further with them, at least a kiss! You suddenly find yourself in a panic because you haven’t been remotely close to another person since your ex. AH!
Now that you have your scenario in your head, I’m gonna let you know from my perspective, what to expect.
When Things Get Flirty
Right when I started to get flirty in my new relationship, I abruptly felt an overwhelming decline in my confidence…But I think being so self-aware prior to that first hook up was a really good thing. If I was trying to impress him, there’s obviously a connection that I wanted to pursue and didn’t want to screw it all up!
I noticed the things that I didn’t pay any attention to in my marriage before, I was all of a sudden hyperaware of. Am I dressed okay? Do I smell good? Does my breath stink? Do I sound stupid? Am I talking too much?
Boy was in freak out mode.
Now, if you don’t feel that dip in confidence, it could be a red flag. You could just be going through the motions and pursuing things for the wrong reasons. If you want a quality relationship with someone, go after the person that makes you feel just little bit self-conscious.
The First Kiss after
You’re sitting in their living room, wine in hand and you sense that you’re about to kiss. You will either go in for the kill to break the tension or you’ll freeze.
I definitely froze. I was so incredibly nervous that I didn’t even know what I was doing. I would compare that exact moment to the very first time I kissed anyone. Probably when I was 12 or so. It’s like it goes in slow motion. I saw him coming towards me and braced myself. At first, it just felt so unfamiliar and smelled….different. It felt different…like it wasn’t even a kiss at all. It was literally just my lips on his lips, haha. I really don’t know how else to describe it.
The first second or two, it felt forced, and wrong. Like oh crap is this a mistake? Is this real? Especially when I finally started getting into a tiny bit of a rhythm, and would jack it all up.
Did I forget how to kiss? Why does this feel so awkward? Am I just being awkward? Does he sense the awkwardness? Am I using too much tongue? Does my breath smell weird? What’s going to happen now? My head was completely spinning as I was trying to maintain my composure.
I grew so used to my ex, EVERYTHING with this new person was strange. From the way he smelled, the taste of his lips, the texture of his skin, his build, the way he touched me…every single thing was different. It was definitely weird. Super weird.
But after a few moments, as we fell into a rhythm, all of those questions and fears just melted away. I got sucked into a whole different world for a while. Everything we did just meshed; the way we kissed, how we touched, even our breathing pattern. It was literally electric and nothing else seemed to matter. After the kissing ended (I don’t even know how much time had passed), I was left feeling giddy and alive. Like I was in high school all over again.
Hopefully you will be lucky enough to find someone that you connect with on a social, emotional AND physical level. If not, just know that every first kiss starts the same way. It feels so random and weird, but as you progress and overcome that initial tension…it becomes more normal.
Just know that you WILL feel nervous and self-conscious but don’t be afraid of that. Breaking through those walls of the relationship will get you that much closer to finding the true love and happiness that you deserve!
Have you encountered your first kiss after divorce yet? If you’re up for sharing…give us the deets!