There’s so many things that contributed to why I couldn’t let go and move on after my divorce. Most of them actually stemmed from my childhood.
Ever since I can remember, I have always been the girl that goes for the guys that treat me like crap. I went for the guys I thought were out of my league and would do anything I could to please them to keep them from dumping me. I wanted to look pretty for them all the time to the point where I wore a full face of makeup to bed! I did anything they asked of me, bought gifts, learned to love their interests so we would have more in common, and ALWAYS was available.
I was the perfect girlfriend and they treated me like absolute crap…and I let them.
I remember calling my mom for advice all the time. She would never tell me to break up with them either. She was always teaching me to never give up and keep working on it; because relationships are an ever-evolving thing that need constant nurture and forgiveness.
I never grasped the concept that I was worth more than what these guys thought of me. I was so scared to be alone and unaccepted that I put up with anything and everything just to be someone’s someone.
Like I talked about in My Story, my ex-boyfriend cheated on me all the time. But I convinced myself that he either wasn’t or that I did something to deserve it. I caused him to stray. I wasn’t pretty enough. I didn’t have enough sex with him. I didn’t let him have enough “guy time.”
Then I met my ex-husband. He was such a gentleman to me. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years…since I was 19, and that’s all I knew. So when my ex-husband came around, he looked like the PERFECT guy for me. He was so faithful and nice. I failed to identify the fact that we had absolutely nothing in common besides the fact that we were both in the Air Force.
I was completely blind. I didn’t know anything about what a good relationship looked like. My parents barely interacted with each other growing up…and when they did, they were usually fighting. My dad barely talked to me.
So all I knew was if he doesn’t cheat, he’s good for me.
After 4 years of marriage, I finally knew it was time for divorce. I had been contemplating it for at least 2 years before that, but finally got the nerve to tell my husband. Once I told him, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Although, unfortunately for my future relationship…it caused me to change. I didn’t even realize it until I started dating again.
I was lucky enough to have a support system around me at the time. That support system was named Mike. Mike and I met while I was deployed. I was able to talk to him about everything going on in my life. From my decision to get a divorce, to my family absolutely abandoning me for it.
Now, I’ll get into the nitty-gritty about how Mike and I fell in love in a later post. 😉 For now, I’m going to talk to you about how I changed as a girlfriend after I started dating Mike and how I overcame my past relationships to help our new relationship progress. There may or may not have been a couple of glasses of liquid courage involved in writing this post, so bear with me. 😉
1. I was Extremely Unavailable
In the beginning of our relationship, I was so unresponsive and kept myself busy. If I told Mike I was going to call him or meet him somewhere, I would be 30 minutes to an hour late. Sometimes with texting, I would wait 5-6 hours to text him back. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to talk to him, I just kept myself so busy all the time, I just simply forgot. As months passed and I continued to put him on the backburner, Mike finally mentioned it to me. I simply told I’m just super busy.
It was weird because in all of my previous relationships, I was so available for these guys…and for this one, the man that actually talks to me, is faithful as hell, treats me like a queen, is my biggest supporter and makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world…I put on the backburner and I didn’t know why.
2. I Was Nitpicking Every Little Thing
For months and months, I would point out every single thing about him that turned me off. He was too clingy, too nice, too available, too giving. It was so hard for me to accept gifts from him. I was trying to find any reason I could to break up with him. Although I never contemplated breaking up, I definitely made it as hard on him as I could.
I told him that I didn’t want to talk on the phone all the time. I didn’t want to text throughout the day…that I was busy. He bought me countless gifts that I hardly thanked him for. It wasn’t that I didn’t show gratitude, but I was just unemotional about it.
I finally found a man that treated me the way I always wanted to be treated, and I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t know how to.
Was I just too far gone?
3. I Grew To Be Too Independent
Because I was married to someone for 4 years that didn’t understand my needs and didn’t talk to me ever, I became extremely independent. I learned to figure out problems for myself, hang out alone, deal with my emotions, and pursue my interests on my own. I basically became single (mentally) while I was married.
So when Mike came into my life trying to wine and dine me, I didn’t even know how to react besides SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Pump the breaks. Yo dude, chill out.
I got this covered.
That’s how I reacted to everything all the time. If he offered to do something for me or buy something for me, I would refuse (I still do most of the time, hehe). I was so used to being independent for so long that I forgot what it was like to let someone love me and take care of me.
4. I Was Scared of Being Hurt Again
Every single time Mike got sappy with me and told me how much I meant to him, I would kill it with sarcasm. Every nice gesture he did for me, I either brushed off or said a quick thanks or I threw in a joke to downplay the act of love.
I was so terrified of being hurt again that I completely kept my distance. Every time he took an inch forward, I took a foot back.
5. I Didn’t Trust My Judgment
I’ve suffered through numerous breakups AND a divorce from relationships that I chose to enter into and I thought were good ideas…
How in the hell could I trust my own judgment ever again?
I must be completely out of my mind to let myself fall for someone again after the men I’ve chosen in the past have broken my heart. So I made sure that I kept myself at the safest distance possible while maintaining my relationship.
Let Go and Move On
I finally found someone that treats me like the queen that I deserve to be treated as. Heck, he even calls me his queen. He has done NOTHING and I mean NOT ONE THING to make me doubt him as a boyfriend, a friend, a lover and a good man. So why not just give him a chance? Why not just open myself up completely?
Just because other douche bags cheated on me in the past and just because my ex-husband didn’t show me the attention or affection I deserved doesn’t mean that Mike won’t. Thank God he is so patient. Any other guy would have bailed on me at this point. This man has stuck through thick and thin. This man is the entire reason you’re even reading my blog right now. He is the one who pushed me to start my blog in the first place.
I’m telling you….If the new relationship you’re in magically makes you into a better person, you could never in a million years imagine being with anyone else, they talk to you every single day and genuinely care about how you’re doing and what you’re doing, if they satisfy your emotional and physical needs, if you can imagine yourself growing old with this person…
Then STOP comparing them to your ex, stop finding reasons to break up, stop being so scared of repeating the mistakes you made in the past and just TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH.
Life is so, so short.
You do not want to push away someone that treats you the way you should be treated just because you’re too scared that this could actually be the real thing. That this is actually what you’ve been waiting for. It doesn’t look or feel like anything you had ever imagined, but it’s real. Pursue it. Don’t you dare look back because you deserve to be deeply in love and happy.
I know I do.[bctt tweet=”Don’t you dare look back because you deserve to be deeply in love and happy. ” username=”makingmalissa”]
It takes a lot to change if you struggle with these things. TRUST ME, I know. I have slowly but surely broke down my walls. I’m going to let you in on how I did it in my next post in this Dating After Divorce series: How I Introduced My Ex Husband To My New Boyfriend-Eek! Make sure you Subscribe below! 😉