Today has been one of those days where I feel stuck. Stuck with life, stuck with my job…just stuck. I’ve felt pretty down the past few months. I keep myself as distracted as possible to deter my mind from the truth. Loneliness. It’s not in a romantic sense either. It’s a loneliness that I have created to prevent myself from pain.
I distance myself from real relationships with friends because I have been burned, badly. I separate myself from groups because I feel I don’t fit in anywhere. I feel that I’m a burden to everyone around me because I’m a needy mess. And I hate hearing myself talk because I sound like a broken record of negativity and I cant stop it.
Am I depressed? All I know is it’s a struggle to get up every morning. I do everything in my power to avoid writing because I don’t want to share my negativity with you all. I’m supposed to be your inspiration! I’m supposed to give you hope.
But tonight, I can’t seem to pull it all together to give that to you. I owe it to you not to sugar coat my life into some fairytale that you should live up to…because NOBODY’s life is perfect and you need to know that. Today I began to really question myself as a person, a mom, a supervisor and a blogger. My life has been going a million miles an hour and I feel like I’m only scratching the surface of everything. I just can’t keep up. I have so many tasks and goals with not enough time to complete them.
I’ve come up with every single reason in the world to bash myself and feel as insignificant as possible to feed my loneliness and worthlessness.
I’m a procrastinator
I’m a pushover
With those things I allow myself to fall deeper into my dark hole, causing a domino effect of everything in my life. I’ll start to conclude so many things that aren’t proven and most likely untrue. Especially the way people feel about me.
Dear my depressed self,
All you’ve said this entire time was how much you suck, how sad you are and how stuck you are. You failed to mention all the positive things about yourself. I know it’s hard to see them because the bad definitely clouds the good, but just think about it.
You’re beautiful inside and out
You stand up for what’s right
You take care of what’s most important
You truly care about things, for the right reasons
Just because you may not have the same qualities that others have, don’t think you’re any less of a person. The world needs people of every kind to make the world go round. If you weren’t here, the things you have accomplished and the people you’ve impacted probably wouldn’t have happened with someone else with different qualities.
Things happen to you to make you stronger and prepare you for things to come. Whether that “thing” be for yourself or for someone else. At some point in time, your knowledge and experience will come into play for an amazing positive purpose. I’ve seen it time and time again.
Life throws some crazy things our way. But it wouldn’t be thrown our way if we didn’t have the capability to deal with it.
You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it.
It’s important to identify your weaknesses, but make sure you take twice as much time to identify your strengths. Love yourself and who you are because you’re one of a kind and the world needs you, I need you.
Remember to love yourself first. You deserve it. Don’t feel guilty about it, you are amazing!